(¯`·._.·´¯`DivaXstaR- Time Stands Still For No One

What It's Like To Meet Your Idols...

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 03:36:16 GMT

July 26th, as we have all come to learn by now, is the date that I was diagnosed with Heart Disease. This year I celebrated my third year of life, since finding out. It was such a great day. I was covering press for Warped Tour in St. Petersburg and randomly saw one of my favorite musicians standing in the back of a crowd of fans, just looking around and watching the stages. What do you do when you see someone you admire? That's seriously one of the biggest questions I've ever thought to myself. I stood there, probably looking dumbfounded. I wanted to approach him so badly but I had no idea what I'd say. I mean, I've been listening to this dudes music for years, and have followed his careers in and out of bands. Riley went up to him and asked him if myself and two of my other friends that admire this individual could get a picture with him (which I will love her forever, for doing that). He nodded and pulled us all in for a photo. People don't have to take pictures or talk with their fans, but we appreciated it. That was the day that we met Craig Mabbitt.

Today, July 28th, I was blessed enough to meet another idol of mine; a more recent addition. I had found out a few weeks ago that the meeting may be possible, but I didn't want to think too much of it because I didn't want to have an upsetting outcome. Last night (Monday) at around 11PM, I got an e-mail saying everything was a green light. WHAT?! So, today, my friend Whitney and I headed over to downtown Tampa-- still nervous that things were too good to be true. Plus, it becomes one of those things that you wonder if meeting the person will taint how you see them, if they happen to not live up to the standards which you've set for them. At around 4 PM, the most beautiful set of blue eyes wandered over to our table with a huge smile. He shook our hands and sat down... next to me. We started sound checking my camera (Whitney was holding it), since there was a sound check going on in the background... which made me smile SO big inside because he was already "getting" my lameness and didn't think I was weird-- and if he did, he hid it really well. He was so focused on listening, and never broke eye contact. The only way I can explain his eye contact is intense. It wasn't like when you normally talk to people, how their eyes wander around-- they were locked in like he was trying to read what I was going to ask before I asked. I laughed so hard at his response to my question, "What is the soundtrack to your summer... on repeat?" He said people always ask him what his theme song would be, but he had to think about what his summer soundtrack song would be. He said it definitely wouldn't be Kings of Leon "Sex On Fire," because he's been too busy on tour *lol* Meeting Adam Lambert was amazing. He really is a nice guy, who seems like he has such a big heart. His smile never disappears, and his personality is definitely magnetic. All I can say, from my experience, is that I hope he finds success in what he does.

It's only the third day of the week, and this has been one of the best weeks ever in my book. Some people live their entire lives without the opportunities that I've had, so all I can say is that I'm glad I have good karma. I showed Whitney two fortunes that I've saved over the past year from fortune cookies. One says, "First think of what you want to do then do what you have to do." The other says, "Many successes will accompany you this year."

xo, -m

American Idol Drama!

Fri, 22 May 2009 22:55:14 GMT

I think it's kinda crazy how people are still prolonging the American Idol results show.

Are people making too much of a big deal about Adam being "gay?" In my opinion, YES! Whatever his sexuality happens to be, it does NOT make me question his artistic ability. Who cares if he prefers males or females? I certainly don't care because that is HIS choice. I've been a big fan of his performances since a friend kindly introduced me to his beautiful looks during the audition phases of the show *lol* I think he has the potential to do some great things for a genre that's really not so main stream right now. That is why I DID NOT vote for Adam to win. People mention him doing glam rock type things, but if you look on the Billboard charts, do you see any glam rock males? Nope. Did Adam deserve to win? Yes, I think he did a great job on the show. I do think Kris deserved to win as well, though. I have been voting for Kris for weeks now, because to me, he seems more mainstream. He reminds me SO much of Nick Lachey from 98 degrees. I really do love his voice, and I can easily see his vocals fitting alongside others on the radio right now. Should people have not voted for Kris because he's married? Well that just sounds like a really lame question... just as much as the questioning of people not voting for Adam because of his "gayness." I think alot of fans are just really upset because Adam has seemed like the sure shot to win this thing since.... almost day one. If they were so hardcore about him winning, they should have voted. I believe what this all really boils down to is that people have known, for awhile, that Adam is the front runner... so it was probably assumed that he'd have a massive amount of votes coming through and that other votes wouldn't matter because he had it in the bag. Well, just the same as election time, every vote DOES count and if you don't vote you don't have room to complain. Regardless of the outcome, we ALL know Adam is going to be given a contract by someone, somewhere. Stop being drama starters for these poor guys who are both so excited to have made it so far in the competition. I'm still a HUGE fan of Adam's, and I can't wait for his album to be released.

BTW, I also have a tumblr account where I've posted entries about my experience at Bamboozle and stuff like that. So check, check, check it out!
meganlovesmusic.tumblr.com

Tonight.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 01:54:15 GMT

If you've been following me on twitter, then you know what has been going on in my life as of late. My dad was rushed to the hospital on Monday morning because his heart rate was 253 (believe that or not). Come to find out, he has a heart arrhythmia (different than the one I had) that can be provoked by a prolonged history of high blood pressure. So they've given him massive amounts of blood thinners and a special medication to try to get his heart to start beating at a normal rate. Today his heart beat started at about 140+... which is still down significantly from the prior days'. They told us if his heart rate wasn't down to between 70-90 tomorrow morning, that they were going to have to shock him (with those paddle things they use when they try to revive people).... which is REALLY scary. I can't tell you just how upset that I've been. I've been trying to calm everyone else down telling them that it's okay and to remember everything that I went through and how well I have come out of my problems and adjusted. I was trying to give them all the positives that can come out of it.... but I know how it feels to have these problems and to be scared about them because you have no idea what's going to happen and your whole life just becomes so uncertain. I tried to just say little things to my dad about "don't worry.. they're only keeping you in this hospital for more than 48 hours because they need to make sure they can SEE your problem in action and what triggers it and how it responds to things." i guess maybe it calmed him. i don't know. sometimes i don't think there really are things you can say to make people feel more at ease when things are really serious.

Tonight, as I was uploading pictures of an angel apparition that my mom saw, my brother called to tell us that my dad's heart has finally responded to all of the medication they've been giving him... we have our fingers crossed because he's not out of the woods yet... but this is a very hopeful sign. I believe my brother said it's been about 70-80. They are going to run some tests now to make sure things are going to be okay and that he's stabilized before they can decide anything else.

For those people who don't believe in a higher power, I don't know how else you can be convinced.

.. If You Got It All Figured Out Then What Is There To Shout About?..

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 17:12:37 GMT

This morning I woke up and felt SOOOO gross. My breathing was extremely weird... so I decided I really needed to go to the doctor.

I went to the emergency room, and low and behold, I have a severe respiratory infection that started aggravating my ASTHMA... which hasn't bothered me AT ALL in like over two years. WTH.

I came home with four different perscriptions. Oi.

Lesson Learned: Don't wait almost 2 months to go see a doctor.

..ive been sleeping with the lights on baby i know it drives you crazy tonight i swear well be alone

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 20:24:56 GMT

Aedyn is the most precious little guy ever. I bought a new camera and I was using him as my model so I can try to figure out all of the different functions and buttons *lol*. It looks like his hair has some strawberry-ish properties to it because it has gotten a little lighter. The Irish in him is coming out! hahahah. His eyes seem like they are turning more blue though. He was crying after my cousin changed him, so she handed him to me so she could go make his bottle, and I was like AHHHH bc I didn't know how to make him feel better... so I just patted his little back and talked to him and then out of nowhere he just stopped. It was like magic *lol*. He's seriously so darn cute.

I got to see my other little cousin Will last night. He is five now. I played ROCK BAND with him. It blows my mind that kids that young are SO good at video games! He was playing the guitar on easy but was still getting like 80%'s on everything. How in the world! Then we both played the drums together because he's too short and can't reach the foot pedal, so I had to do that for him haha. It was alot of fun.

Overall, yesterday was probably the most fun I've ever had on "Valentine's Day." I spent it with my family (which I guess may sound lame to some people, but whatever, to each their own) and we all had a really nice dinner and spent some time hanging out and catching up.

After being away for over 5 years, I realize that I missed out on so much. I guess that's the price you have to pay to try to get yourself off the ground and just make something out of your time. I'm not sure if it's ever "worth" all of the little things you miss, but the gains can be so satisfying in other areas. Hmmm... that sounds so selfish... but hopefully you understand what I mean *lol*.

blahhhhnessss.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 19:17:02 GMT

Gosh, I can't seem to get over whatever has been keeping me sick for the past bajillion days. I'm on some antibiotics now, and my throat is actually getting *worse*. GO FIGURE! It hurts to talk, eat; do anything basically. I don't think I've gotten much sleep as of late. My nose actually hurts because it's so congested too. TMI, maybe.

The Fall Out Boy secret show was really great. I was pretty bummed in the beginning of the day because I had to go into the office, and I had read online that lines were allowed to form at 5PM... from the official site of the venue. With all the out-of-towner traffic, I doubted I'd get there, and I was pretty positive that by getting there at 6, it would have more than likely been a waste of a drive. Well it turns out that we were able to get on the list. I was really stoked. It's not everyday you get to see FOB in a SMALL venue! I like small shows so much better than big shows. It was definitely my favorite FOB show that I've gotten to see.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend.

Aedyn is finally here <3

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 23:27:13 GMT

My cousin Tiffany had her baby, FINALLY. She was induced with one medication yesterday morning (cervadill ?), and they were suppose to give her a different one this morning at 4 to start giving her the contractions to have the baby. Well, several hours after she had the first round of medication, the baby came! He came WAY before they expected him to. We are all so proud of her. I got to hold him earlier :o). It was so cute because he was just starring up at me and then fell asleep so I was scared to move him and have him wake up. He slept for like two hours in my arms, and then I gave him to my mom and he woke up a little after that. He is AMAZINGLY quiet for a baby. They said the only time he cried was when he was born. He makes little moans here and there, but he's so quiet. and HANDSOME.

AEDYN

..oh sweet angel of mercy with your grace like the morning wrap your loving arms around me..

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 06:40:24 GMT

It's kinda weird lately. I never took the time to notice how many friend requests that I get on myspace. I've been getting ATLEAST 10 to 20 a day at the bare minimum. It's odd to me because it's not like I'm aggressively gaining attention in the public eye.

Today I had to drive to Miami to pick up my mom. Her flight was an hour late because it started to snow in Jersey right as she was leaving. They had to deice her plane and everything. I was really sad after she told me about the funeral and how my family was doing up north. I just try to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason.

I didn't go to the church fair tonight with Kris, Mikey, or anyone else. I haven't been feeling very well. My allergies are killing me. My head hurts so bad from being congested, and now my chest is starting to hurt. I can't sleep. It's just not fun. I'm probably really grouchy, and for that I do apologize *lol*.

You can also add like 2 more "No's" to my on-going list. As well as several that never reply.

I haven't had a good conversation about music with anyone lately... I think I'm really needing one. I never felt like that when I lived in Tampa because everyone I knew and hung out with also had surrounded themselves with music related lifestyles. Down here it's so different, and I hate it. People look at me weird when I go places down here too because my clothes don't look like theirs. I don't wear floral prints, or cowboy hats accompanied by belt buckles that are bigger than my freaking shoes. I'm not unhappy that I don't fit in, that's not what I'm saying--because I know who I am and I'm comfortable with that-- I just hate that other people have to be so judgmental.

..'Cause I Know I'm Good For Something, I Just Haven't Found It Yet..

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 04:43:35 GMT

I got three more "No" answers today for touring. Atleast they aren't like HECK NO! They've been "We're fully staffed right now." Another one also told me that I'm very qualified to do many duties/jobs on the road which made me very happy... I've been worried that since I don't have road experience that that's why I could possibly be getting the no's. I guess it's good that I don't give up at things, because for anyone else, I'm sure they would take these bazillion never-ending-no's and move on to something else.

Today was actually a lousy day. I have a problem with fake people. I just don't understand why anyone would want to pretend to be someone else just to please people that won't be in your life in another year. I've stayed so true to myself, and as a result I've had ALOT of negative things happen to me as far as music and wrestling go, but I couldn't be more proud of myself for not compromising my morals or dignity. It's funny to catch people in lies, that's all I can say. I'm also human, so it does hurt my feelings too.

I'm getting SO restless being at home.

..we cant escape this hollow ride painted black to calm our fear as walls and ceilings collapse..

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 06:43:03 GMT

Still no job.

Kristine is down from New Jersey visiting. It's been nice seeing her again after so long. We are both excited for Tiffany to have her baby soon. Tiff is already an inch dilated... we're hoping she'll go into labor soon.... as much as she keeps saying "no, not yet." *lol*

Mom is up in New Jersey right now because her aunt passed away :o(. I posted a blog about it on my Myspace in November-ish. Her aunt had pancreatic cancer, stage four, and it was a very fast moving cancer. This poor woman also had another type of cancer before and had beat it. I was really hoping she would pull through because she was a really great lady and recently became a grandmother. But, as we all know, time is an illusion that doesn't last forever.

My head hurts from being so congested. UGH. Allergies are so hard to tolerate sometimes.

Saw "Bride Wars." I didn't think it was that good. It started out really well, but I just didn't like the ending too much. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. I don't want to discuss it further incase some of you haven't seen it. I dislike when people ruin movies for me! hahaha.

xo

My Annual Year In Review

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 02:04:20 GMT

I sure hope next year is better. We were all suppose to go do something in Orlando with some of the kids from FBR, and suddenly no one wants to return my phone calls. I do hope the people in Orlando enjoy themselves though, because it was very nice of them to keep their plans with me and not ditch me like several others.

Now for my 2008 year in review....

Sad Endings. Warped Tour. Tour Buses. Nomad. Wrestling. Reality Shows. Hardcore Shows Love Me. USF. Baby Cousin. Getting Lost. Cameras. Filming. Backstage. Sun Burn. FBR. Moving. Photoshoots. Fall Outs. Gym Job. Quiet Flight. Interviews. Hard Work. Diploma. Short Road Trips. Photo Pits. Random Hugs. Guest Lists. Wrist Bands. No Game. Wrestlemania. Block Party. Hall of Fame. Promos. Bumps. Bruises. Rash. Merch. Disney. Holiday Sale. Twilight. Employment Agency. Carabiner. Student Loans. Tours. Signings. Pictures. Cinnabon. Truck Stops/Rest Areas. Election. Casting Directors. Bad Girls Club.

I Need Something To Hold On To.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 00:08:33 GMT

RAHHHHH.

I feel so aggravated! It's no secret that over the past two or three years that I've had massive throat problems... most of which have been on-set by my horrid allergies... and then it just all goes down hill from there.

I've noticed that my singing abilities have pretty much diminished and are nothing compared to what I use to be able to do. I sing almost completely off key now, and I've developed horrid habits (most of which can be contributed to my last band).

I knew my throat was bad, I mean after all, it had weird crap growing in it, but I didn't know how much it was going to really effect me down the line. I do vocal exercises, most of which I've done for a really long time... and now-a-days... they sound like I've never sung a note in my life before.

When you grow older, your voice is suppose to get better with all the conditioning that you do with it! However, mine's pretty much gone in reverse because of all the health issues I've had and it pretty much is breaking my heart.

Everything that I love has been taken from me... so I'm kinda left with wondering... what the heck am I suppose to do with my life?! Wrestling was cut short because of my heart-- which I should be able to go back, but I have PTS which makes me scared to do anything too crazy... and I've been screwed over so many times in that business, and I've spent so much money... that I refuse to pay another dime to finish training. I've paid enough money for an entire village to be trained to be pros. Now, it's my throat that has caused me to completely suck at singing. Like, what am I suppose to do? I started singing when I was like a day old in my mom's womb.

I wish I still had insurance so I could go to a specialist for this throat. But, oh-economy! College graduate actively seeking a job; might as well never gone to college.

I started, a few months ago, trying to get on tours to be an assistant TM or merch girl... and it's been ridiculously hard, even though I have professional experience--having been at an awesome label for over a year and a half. I know that I'm a girl and that most girls are promiscuous with the bands they are on the road with... but I'm not every girl. I never have been. I'm still trying.

Way to fail.

It's been awhile!

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:24:13 GMT

It has been quite sometime since I have written on my LJ. Like almost a year! WOWZA!

Life:
*College graduate, but with this horrible economy, I am unable to find a job.
*I have student loans that I have to pay back and I have no money to do so.
*I pretty much don't have a life, really.

That about sums it all up!

I started working on Stardust, pretty much full time. Within the past couple of months I've done interviews with some great entertainers and it just keeps getting better. Tomorrow (Friday) and Saturday I'll be doing two more interviews. Now too bad I've never made a dime off of Stardust. I guess that shows that I truly just love music... and for the right reasons.

I just finished the Twighlight saga... and I'm pretty sad there were only four books, to be honest. My favorite character was Edward. I thought Bella and Jacob were both trouble makers and I disliked what they put Edward through *lol*. I've seen a complete scene from the movie, as well as all of the released trailers.... and I must say.... I don't really like the characters that were casted for the movie. I'm trying to remain optimistic about it and not judge it before I actually see it. I guess somethings will always just be so much better in our own imaginations. I must admit, I was not dissatisfied by the Harry Potter characters (YET) though. Hmmm.

Anyway, that's my quick update. Well, maybe no so quick.

M

..Stop Expecting Change..

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 22:04:32 GMT

So today I applied for a job with the Indians for spring training in Winter Haven. Chances are, I won't get the job because I only met 1 out of 3 qualifications needed. However, I made sure to include that I was willing to learn what I did not know. The job market really freaking stinks right now. It's beyond bad.

Hawaii was pretty much amazing. No big shocker there *lol*. I really wish it wasn't an island. Otherwise, I'd want to stay there forever. I'm just scared that a tsunami would come and wipe it out since O'ahu isn't ginormous or anything. The views are just so breathtaking tho. If you want to see any of the pictures I took, I uploaded a few to my Myspace under the Photography folder. There's one of a really cute sea turtle that was just chilling on the beaches of the North Shore. SO cute. For real. He was like 400 pounds but... I don't even know.... just so cute.

One month until I graduate. I can't wait. I'm just starting to get nervous tho as to what I am going to do after school ends.

Anyway... that's about it for right now.

..Just A Man With A Man's Courage, Nothing But A Man..

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 11:49:31 GMT

My celebrity crush went and got himself married. I think the reason I'm so not-so-happy about this is.. he broke up with his fiance a month ago (or less) and now he's married to some other girl. Happenings like that make me want stars to never get married since they divorce every other day. It sets such bad examples, and they are supposed to be who we all look up to. HAH.

I hope cute math boy is in class tonight. If he dropped it, I'll be wayyyy sad.

Natalie left for Boston. Hopefully I'll get to see her around Christmas time when she comes back! That time is going to be nuts for me since I will be graduating *crosses fingers*. I'm so skeptical about graduating still. I feel like it's not going to happen. I guess my reasoning for that is just simply that it has taken me SO long to get to this point and now that it is finally here, I feel like there's still other things that I need to do. Maybe that doesn't make sense.

The band is going stellar. We all know I'm not the loudest singer ever, but I've gotten like SO much louder with practice/instruction over the years.... and I got a really awesome mic that I thought would be great... and it turns out that it's not helping me at all. It's either my mic or the pa that keeps drowning me out when the instruments are playing and we have the my mic line turned all the way up. It's "mind bottling" as I keep hearing on the radio from Blades of Glory *lol*. I've never had this issue before so it's like "HOW can this happen now when I'm louder?!" haha. Life is funny sometimes. The song sounds SO good tho. I think we're gonna call it "Glass Houses".

This weekend is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary! WOWZA. That's amazing considering the divorce rate now. I feel so lucky to have parents that are still together when so many people I know have broken families. I can only hope that when I fall in love and get married, that I won't be one of those negative statistics. What's it at now... like 60% of people get divorced? Ew.

M

..Don't Expect I'll Feel Their Pain When They Inflict It On Me..

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 03:26:09 GMT

Woah... I've been finding so many random videos on youtube/myspace lately. Well... if I haven't found them.... other people have sent them to me. Apparently Congress or the Senate (I don't remember which is was) was trying to get "skull f*cking" banned. *lol* We have such huge issues facing this world and they decide that THAT takes priority? Gr.

There's a cute boy in one of my classes. He talked to me the other day. He wasn't there tonight tho. Sad. Hopefully he didn't drop.

Our song is coming out pretty darn stellar. Everyone that has heard it so far is like... woah that's pretty awesome. So yayyy.

School is wearing me out already. Day three has just ended *lol*. Parking is a nightmare and I don't even feel like diving into that issue. It would get me started all over again.

M

..School Is Here Again!..

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:20:40 GMT

Today was our first full band rehearsal. The boys all did AMAZINGGGGG. Our lead guitarist didn't show up. Go figure. It always has to be someone! haha. The first song sounds really great tho. I'm way excited. Now all it needs is some awesome lyrics, singing, and screaming and then BAM. It'll be done... sort of haha. The rehearsal studio was an entire chapter book in itself. I accidently walked in on a band of old men playing cover tunes and they looked at me like I was an alien. I was trying to find the guy that owns the place to pay him... but he kept disappearing. Then like five girls barged into our room and walked right across our little stage during practice because they needed to find the "studio" lol. Then we had issues trying to figure out the money problem because we all had to pay $6 for the practice space but not everyone had change... I only had a $10 my bad lol. So then the guy didn't really have change to help us break all of our bigger bills down. Sad.

My dad decided to NOT change our phone plan. Grrr. He called Sprint and complained to them how we've been customers for YEARS and he's never missed or had a late payment before so they dropped out bill down to $134 (I believe) for FOUR phones with over 2000 minutes. My dad is really good at negotiating *lol*. So sadly, I will be stuck with this sucky service FOREVER.

I started Math last night at HCC. It took me over 30 minutes to find parking... then I had about 15 minutes to get to class. THEN... get this... the teacher kept us for NINE minutes and then let us go. I was kinda mad because it was not worth the parking frustration. Classes at USF start on Monday. It's really weird to know that I am getting ready to enter my very last semester in college. Then, it is out to the real world. Time flies.

Well I had a really long day. I'm gonna go to bed... it feels so early too!

xo

..In The Eyes Of A Young Girl, Find Glory, Beyond The Cheap Colored Lights..

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 02:02:17 GMT

I haven't written in awhile, gesh. Well I got back from New York a few days ago. That trip was interesting. We were delayed for over five hours on the way up because there had been a tornado in Brooklyn a day or two prior, and flights were effed up, and it was raining and everything was just blah. So we waited a few hours in the airport, then a few hours on the runway. We left my house at 9 AM and didn't arrive in New York until 8:45 PM.

RENT was AMAZINGGGGGG. I loveeeee Anthony Ripp <3. He has one of the best voices and just made the play remarkable. Tamyra Gray was in the play as well, as Mimi, and she did a great job.

We were supposed to leave NY on Sunday but all the flights getting out of the city were nuts so we had to stay an extra day *oh, darn lol*. So Lauren and I went back to the city on Sunday and went to H&M. LOVE. I could have spent so much money in there, but I had limited funds since I need to buy books for school next week. Yikes.

ANDDDD I am totally graduating December 15th. I confirmed with my advisor that I met all the requirements and she said YES. I am sooooo excited. That means I have four months left of school.... and that is pretty amazing. That's like nothing if I think back to when I started college haha.

I had to go to the ER this morning. It's crazy when you feel comfortable in a hospital. Hopefully I won't need to go back to one for a LONGGGGG time. From all the flying we did, I had a really bad build up in my ear and it had been like that for a few days and nothing was working. It was giving me really bad headaches so I went this morning and they had to drain it. Now I have to keep a cotton ball in it for a few days so it won't get infected and that the ph balance can be restored.

We're also switching our phone plan to Verizon now, I believe. Sprint really sucks and they keep giving my dad lame charges for the most random things that I don't even think we have used. I want to get the Strawberry Chocolate if we do wind up getting phones from there *lol*. My dad also liked T-Mobile. They both pretty much had similar plans so I guess it will come down to if anyone offers anything extra at the spur of the moment.

Anyway... I'm going to go finish watching Hairspray with my Mom.

M

My Milestone

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 15:06:37 GMT

Alive. After one year. When I think back, so much has happened to me in this year. So much that I still do not think my mind has had time to comprehend it all. My life has been effected beyond comparison to anything else. I cannot even begin to verbalize how I feel. It is, undoubtedly, uncertain. I do not know whether to be happy today because I have so many amazing years ahead of me, or if I should be upset because of all the trauma that has terrorizes my mind since this date, or maybe I should feel spared. I really just do not know.

I remember when I was growing up I use to tell everyone that my goal was to be "operation free" because it seemed that EVERYONE has had surgery in their life at some point. I wanted to be healthy and unlike those people. I never thought bad things could touch me because I tried so hard to be good. Like many people find out, I am not superhuman. I posses no superhero characteristics. I am Megan. After I found out, I kept thinking, "Why me?" Sometimes I still wonder that. Then I am reminded of the saying, "God never gives you more then you can handle." You can try to take as many preventative measures as you would like, but that still does not stop life from happening. No matter how healthy anyone is or how many precautions one takes, disease still has the power to creep into your veins and take you over.

I believe the hardest concept to understand, for me, has been that the heart disease that I had, had been apart of me since I was born. It is scary to know that going to the doctors for twenty-one years and having the doctors listen to the rhythm of my heartbeat did not save me in those many chances. What do they listen for when they put the stethoscope to your chest? Maybe they are just listening to the faintest drumming just to make sure you are alive in case they could not already tell by your lack of humor and faint expressions in their office. Twenty-one years and nothing. . . and medicine is supposed to be advancing.

Everything has frightened me about my heart, even from the get go. As I sat in one of the ER rooms, a doctor came in and said if I was to leave the hospital I would die. He had overly exaggerated that fact but he had to put it into terms where I wouldn't find a loop hole; I could die. What do we, as humans fear? Death. Surely, I'd stay. I freaked out. I still remember that scene very vividly too. I remember looking at the Doctor and then looking at Jen, who was sitting in a chair next to the bed, and I felt like I did not know what to do. I did not want to stay in the hospital anymore. I felt fine. They didn't even find it a priority to take me in to see the doctor until after we waited for five hours pacing the floors and raiding the hospital cafeteria with the few dollars that we had. How could they break the news to someone like that? Then the same doctor came in and asked if he could take a picture of me and use my file as a case study. So many people came into the room to "see" someone that was alive with WPW. In many instances, I felt like Harry Potter. That can sound as lame as anyone wishes to interpret it but the fact of the matter is everyone wanted a glimpse of him because he was the boy who lived. I felt like the girl who lived. God spared me.

After I had left the hospital after staying there for two nights, I began having anxiety problems. I cannot control it in many circumstances but I try. Some days it leaves me in tears because I cannot understand what is going on with me and why I cannot be normal and like everyone else. Sometimes I feel like going to the hospital ruined my life and has started a long chain of events that often finds me playing victim to another one of life's curve balls. As much as I feel saved, I feel hurt. Post Traumatic Stress. It won't ever go away. It is always going to be a shadow that follows me wherever I may travel in my days. It is not something that you can hide from. It was hard for me to admit that this was a "problem". Jessica originally thought I was putting on some stage production because I had been fine the night before at a concert, and then the following day I hit my lowest low with the anxiety. She took me to the doctor, but just having someone else care enough to take me to get help showed me that I could face this problem too. Everything is beatable, you just have to chose to fight it instead of giving into it and hoping that it subsides.

The night before my surgery I went to hang out with everyone at FXE during and after their practice. I just wanted to surround myself with my friends so that way I did not have to think about my pending quest. It worked, until I got to the hotel by the hospital that night. I didn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night trying to tell myself that I was not scared. So many people had asked if I was scared and I told them no that I just wanted the problem to be over with. That was true, for the most part. I was so tired of having my broken heart dictate everything that I had to do in my life. When I went into the hospital I sat in the waiting room, for what seemed like, forever. Thoughts of death kept crossing my mind. I was not about to let my fright break me. I knew my parents may have been just as scared as I was. When they finally called my name and took me to my room to change and wait to be wheeled to the operating room, I stood up and tried to block everything out. I met some really nice nurses that told me I was too young to be in that area of the hospital and that they did not ever want to see me back there. Not going to lie, I do not ever want to be back there.

I remember only a few things from during and after the surgery. I remember waking up and having my chest burn with an uncomfortable sensation. I remember my heart being involuntarily raced to over 200 beats a minute. I remember being wheeled back to my hospital room and my parents next to my little wheely bed looking relieved that I was still alive. I remember the pain medication being worn of my legs and the pain that soared through my entire body when they had the pull the sheaths out of them legs. I remember the pressure they had to apply to stop the bleeding in my arteries. All of which, I wish I never have to face again. I want to forget most of it. I won't though, because I want to make sure everyone sees how horrible it is to go through something like this. I want people to get themselves checked since obviously doctors do not always do a good job. I just want everyone to be okay. I'm tired of people just dropping dead and then learning it was because they had a heart problem. Why didn't I drop dead? Why is my case so different then theirs? What did I do so differently that saved my life?

My heart still burns and sends me sharp pains from time to time. I guess that is to remind me that recovering is a process and it does not happen over night. I was the fool that tried to go back to wrestling seven days after surgery. I think that set me back ALOT. I started training less and less and my heart seemed to get better millimeter by millimeter. I decided to stop all together when December rolled around because my body was not progressing. I did not give it time to fix itself before I dove into trying to get back into the ring. Foolish of me, but it is hard to just sit back and watch something you want to achieve just pass you by. I finally feel like my body MIGHT be ready to handle wrestling again, but I have to test the waters again. We will see. I don't know how long it will take to be 100% because it had never been 100%, come to find out. One day it will happen.

I will always wear red on this anniversary, and during national heart holidays. You can all call me crazy, or whatever word that you may like but you have no seen what I have. You have not felt the uncertainty that something like this creates. I don't ever really share my FEELINGS on this matter because somehow I feel like it is happening all over again. I am so emotionally attached to all of this. I at least hope that by sharing them it will show people how REAL the threats are to heart health and that it does not matter how healthy or toned your body is. Heart disease does not discriminate. Anyone can have it. You can be helped if you are willing to submit yourself for a quick test. It can save your life. You do NOT want to become just a statistic.

So one year ago. Time sure does fly by. I've had a long time to think about everything that I wanted to say about all of this time and everything that I've had to experience, but even now I just do not think that these words are enough.

..Me and Sara In Cartoon Form..

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 21:29:31 GMT

..No One Will Know Just Where We'll Be; Hiding On The Screens Of Their TVs..

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 03:43:39 GMT

I posted this also to Myspace.... but I think it deserves as many people reading it as possible. It's sad.

"So... have you ever written letters to your favorite bands? Hoping they would read your thoughts and the story of how they inspired you in some way? Maybe some of you have. Well it kind of upset me today because I was reading the fan mail for Panic! At The Disco and Fall Out Boy at work and all those kids want is an autograph. One letter really got to me. The 14 year old girl that wrote it said that all she wanted to do was go to a FOB concert but her family was really poor and they could not afford a ticket for her to go so she wanted to write the band and ask for an autograph instead. She then went on to explain how she's "small" and has gotten beaten up and taken to a police station six times and that people make fun of her in her school for it. She wanted the autograph to prove to all of those people that poor people can get whatever they want if they try. The truth is.... I doubt she will get an autograph. We read the letters and put them back in the bins. I wish things would change. Sending that girl an autograph would probably make her LIFE. She would remember it forever. Her favorite band may never even read her letter. Sad, isn't it?"

So yeah... what the heck. :o(

On another note. I hate anxiety. I had a panic attack at the FCW show last night :o( I didn't even watch the first half of the show. I wanted to leave.... but I didn't drive so sadly that didn't happen. They have alot of really good workers. I'm excited for this new company for down here! It's going to be a good thing.

-M

..Give Us This Day Our Daily Dose..

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 04:03:56 GMT

Petrie died tonight :o( When I got home from my photoshoot I noticed his chest was white and he was like swimming into the corner... looked like he was gasping for air. I took a picture of it so I could bring it to the pet store in the morning and see if I needed to buy drops for his water or something... but now it's too late. I walked back out like 30 minutes to an hour later and he was dead. I guess I should be glad that he had a long life. I mean a year and almost 2 months is a long time for a fish right? I tried to take the best care of him that I could. I just feel like I let him down since he died :o( I need someone to come over and burry him for me. I get creeped out with touching bugs and dead things. If anyone wants to volunteer... that would be amazing lol.

Onto the photoshoot saga.... my twin and I have some rotten luck. We drove to our shoot and there was a note on the door saying the lady's boyfriend was in an accidnet and she had to go be with him so we understood that... but we were just so sad that it had to be rescheduled when we were ready for it TODAY. Sooo its very ironic that it was a shoot that she and I were supposed to be on together that got cancelled... almost a year (to the day) after another one of ours got cancelled. ODD. So then we were bummed and went to USF to go on MM to see if we could find another photographer... and we did so we went to his studio. We got so lucky. We had all punk-ish stuff with us though for our other shoot since that's what the photographer wanted to shoot, and that wasn't this guys style. He was more into the hip hop culture. We tried to work with what we had tho, and he understood. I feel like so many of my pictures came out where I looked FATTTTT. I mean, I know I gained a little weight but I didn't think it was THAT much to look significantly different in pictures. Out of all the pictures he's sent us so far, I only liked two of myself. I posted them on MM and on Myspace. I think we rescheduled our other photoshoot for next Friday tho... we'll see. I just need new photos. My portfolio is pretty outdated and needs more of a variety.

I finished my Women and Comm class this week. YAY. I got a 93% A in the class as my final grade. HOLLLLA :o). I was pretty proud. I worked really hard in that class. The teacher gave us all of our papers back today from our short Summer A semester and on the script I wrote she left a comment that said it was her favorite out of all of them that she received. That made me feel good :o). I like to write so it was nice to know that she thought I was creative and portrayed the story properly.

I start my other summer B class in it's place the first week of July... atleast I'll have a break from class a little and only have my sign language class (after Comm Travel & Tourism ends next Friday). Summer classes need to finish fast. I'm so over them. After it's over I will have knocked out half of what I had needed to graduate. I feel like I'm ALMOST there. I am so close that I can taste it. I can feel it in my veins. WOOOOO. The finish line is insight!

..The Shade Of The Sheets And Before All The Stains And A Few More Of Your Least Favorite Things..

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 05:22:03 GMT

So I have an interesting story that sums up an almost 11 months struggle. So I found out last July 26th about my heart condition and yesterday, Saturday June 16th, I went on my first rollercoaster. I had been on the tower of terror at Disney but that's not the same thing as all the pressure your body is put under with a roller coaster doing flips and whatever. I was petrified. I thought I was going to black out from my anxiety... but I faced my fear and I did it. I went on Sheikra (a crazy way to kick off a new life, right?!) at Busch Gardens. When I got off the ride I felt AMAZINGGGGG. I wasn't dizzy... which was something that I noticed straight away. Everytime I would ride coasters before I would get off and be dizzy and see black spots. Not this time. I got off and felt like I could ride it again, and again, and again! I felt new.

I always get so emotional about this whole subject because it really is like learning to live a new life. You have to make so many new adjustments to your routine that you've had for X-amout of years. But I think I have learned so much about myself this year and even all the bad things like the post traumatic stress and anxiety have helped me be this new person. I still have to work all the kinks out, but the blue prints are set and they rock, from what I can tell.

The new plan... worry less about what I can't control. I can't have caffine. Book closed. Why worry about it. You cannot miss things you don't have if you do not torture yourself with the issue. It seems like such a small issue when compared to having my heart work right. I think if I ever had to pick between the two... I'd always pick never having caffine again. Maybe one day it can pass my lips again, but I won't hold my breath. It's been a long time and I still can't have it.

Okay. I'm done blabbering about how amazing it feels to feel alive.

Love.

This Crazyyyyy Life...

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 05:52:08 GMT

This week has been like so... blonde. I've felt so not-put-together with alot of my thoughts. It started last Monday at work and it's just continued.

Betsy left for Maine until like Septemberish. Sad. I'm going to be so lonely lol.

One of my friends and I wrote a song. It's cute. It's called "Wait"... I think. The title is still kinda in progress. I think we might upload it to myspace or something whenever I get the vocals how I want them. Tho, I'm a perfectionist so I'm never satisfied. It's acoustic.

I've been to the mall SO much lately. Natalie says it's good cardio hahahaha. I'm so glad she's back in town. She's way fun.

Week four has come to a conclusion with summer classes. two more weeks for my women and comm class and its OVERRRRRRR and then group comm starts. What ya gonna do!

Photoshoot next weekend with the Twin! I haven't seen in in centuries. I'm really excited. Crash diet starts NOW.

Eww some dude on myspace messaged me and told me I was FAT. Maybe he should know I'm skinnier then the average size of women in the USA.... I'm healthy. I'm over wanting to be skinnier. It's not gonna happen. I wasn't made to be a zero. I was made to be an 8. People like that are what cause girls to become anerexic. Losers.

Yup okay. I know so much has happened but right now I cannot think.

The end.

..It's Not Enough To Say You'll Take Another Chance..

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 06:19:59 GMT

I think I decided that I do not dislike wrestling any longer. I just dislike much of the drama that accompanies it. I dislike people not liking each other and having to be careful with what you say. So I realized I don't hate the art. I just dislike how the artists paint their picture sometimes. That's nothing that I can control.... so I need to take what I CAN control and use it to my benefit instead of letting others make me feel bad about it.

I took a quiz on myspace last night that was called "Whats Your Stereotype?" and according to the results I am "Emo" lol. Buttttt I mean the questions were asking if you liked polka dots, had thick framed glasses and stuff like that. I don't think Material things can really define your personality... it's more of an "accent". Personality wise I find myself fitting in with many different things. Someone messaged me and was like "hahah your emo!" and I was like "That's just what the quiz says". I had a 7 for Emo, and 6 for Prep. Those are the only two I remember out of the 5 categories or so. But I've seen many preps wearing polka dots and wearing cute glasses. I just hate lables. Why do we have to be defined by them? They are so lame. Be what you want. That's what I say. I know I'm only one person screaming that out to a million people with hands over their ears. But whatever. I am me. No category.

I'm stressed with all my darn homework. Good news tho, I got a 100% on my first sign language exam. YAY :o). I was a little worried since the night before the test I was celebrating my birthday in Orlando at the Ale Hizzle with friends! LOL.

Ok. I'm out.

Love.